I am stressed. I am being observed on Wednesday by my principal. And although I really have nothing much to worry about (she is unfamiliar with pre-k), I still care about what she'll think of me, the program, etc. The stresses of being a teacher who cares are just too much to explain, so I won't. The only person who can understand is another teacher who cares. That's it. It's a job like no other. A job that not only affects you but little people you come in contact with and every little thing you say and do makes a difference. There is no slacking off in teaching, no "I need a five minute break," or "I'm taking a long lunch today," or "I'll just zone out for a couple of minutes." Teaching is 100 percent participation. 100 percent presence. 100 percent heart.
I love kids, believe me, but sometimes I need to get away from that. Today at church I finally had a break from the kids, and was able to join my hubby's Sunday School class. I gotta say it was so great! I felt like a mom who got a break to go to lunch with a friend. It was nice talking to grown ups about grown up things, and not about who was out this week from nursery, and what problems there are, and how to solve them. I probably freaked everyone in the class out because I just kept babbling, and talking on and on. It was so nice.
Strangely though, as the hour went on, I felt so out of my element with the adults. I felt like a caveperson who came into civilization. (funny image, I know) I almost missed that nursery and the environment I'd become so accustomed to being in. It almost felt wrong for me to be there, enjoying myself, like I needed to be somewhere, doing something, and somehow I'd forgotten some responsibility I had. I knew the kids were being well taken care of, so I came to a conclusion. I realized that although it's tough and although I may lament about its hardships, I really enjoy teaching little kids. I think it's a special gift that God has given me, to be able to teach and understand small kids. I appreciate that gift and I think that when I feel stressed, it's never about the kids themselves, it's about all that other stuff that gets in the way of me teaching, like red tape, politics, and money. When I can sort through all that stuff and get past it, I feel that is when God reveals Himself to me even more. It doesn't mean I'm still not nervous about Wednesday.
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3 comments:
Sometimes you need a break like that. But it sounds like you really are meant for being with the little guys. Plus you missed out on more life lessons from Phoenix.
As for that feeling you described about being away from some responsibility, I still feel weird that I do not regularly serve Graffiti, except for the computer at worship. I just know that when I am finished school I can get back to working hard for church.
Adults have a different language. Sometimes I see you as an adult. Most of the time, you're the wife. Two different entities. Two different languages. Good luck with your observation. You're in your element. No luck required.
Hubby Chung
Hey Stace... from one fellow caring teacher to another--totally understand! And I agree--it's not something you can explain. It's hard to care so much sometimes, but you know what? The kids know it and feel it. And when we're lucky, so do the parents--hahaha!! I knew you'd do great at the observation. You're an amazing teacher, and it's so good that you're getting an opportunity to make a difference in another school. You know you left your mark at Rainbow!! They have no idea...
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