New toy!

I got my new Blackberry curve on Friday. I must admit I really like it a lot. I got it because Patrick was getting his and he thought I'd love it. I was fine with my black motorola razor that I've had for two years, but I'm a lover of texting so I decided to give it a try. Wow is all I have to say. I like the style, the way it feels and it's just plain awesome.

As usual, Patrick has been obsessed with this new gadget all weekend, trying to figure it out, all that it does and has already customized his. As for me, I'll just wait till he finishes obsessing with his, and make him fix mine up.

Yesterday I went to a bridal shower. It was actually a little weird because the shower was for one of Patrick's friends from work, and she invited me I guess in his place, since he's a boy and couldn't go. I felt a little strange, and out of place sitting there with Patrick's friends, while they talked about things I knew nothing about, and they are obviously close with each other. It felt even weirder not having much to say about any of it and not having Patrick there. I even considered not going, but I really like the bride to be and I was representin' the Chungs afterall! I feel like God's been throwing me into a lot of situations that I'm not comfortable with lately. I wonder what He's trying to show me or tell me, but most of all, I'm excited about it, because I am going through a real period of personal evolution. No, not the kind like chimp to human, but more like how I'm growing as a person and becoming better. I like that.

Looking ahead to my week right now. I hope I can keep up the calm that came over me after my previous entry and lots of prayer. May God help me be the kind of teacher these kids need. I pray I don't get caught up too much in everything around me...

Anyway, back to my Blackberry (or blueberry as I like to call it). Look out! I may be texting one or more of you soon!

Kids, meet your Drill Instructor Mrs. Chung!

I'm so mean. Seriously. I feel so awful nowadays, cause it seems like I'm always yelling at my kids. Yelling at them to sit down, yelling at them to stand up, yelling at them to be quiet, yelling at them to calm down, you name it I've done it. I've had the talk with them, "we're not babies anymore, we're big boys and girls," to which one student replied, "yes, I baby! No big boy!" Oh geez, what have I gotten myself into? I know it probably doesn't seem very different to MOST people, it's such a difference going from pre-k to kindergarten last year and now back to pre-k. I mean going up a grade wasn't too much of a problem. Going down a grade is so hard! These kids really don't know ANYTHING! "What's your name?" Response: nod. "Boys and girls, say hi to Tina." What does Tina say?: "Hi, Tina." "What color is this apple?" Response: "APPLE!" AAAHHHHH! I know it will get better. I've been doing this long enough to know that. But I just love the people who walk into my room and say, "I'm so jealous! I would love to play all day!" Uh, play? Hello! Are you serious? Okay, let me just have them play, and then when they get to you and they don't know how to write, hold a scissor, line up, or speak, don't blame me! I was just playing with them!
I feel so forgotten this year. I'm an afterthought to everyone, especially my principal, and custodian. I find no solace in anyone else, because they've all got their own problems. Things could be worse. My principal could have it in for me, I guess. Maybe it's all this that's bringing my frustration level up. Who knows? I hope I can stay stable for the rest of the week. I need to pray for more patience. I need to pray for more compassion. I need to pray for more peace. I think I just need to pray. In prayer there is truth, and in truth there is God. Getting caught up in worldly things is so easy, especially at my work. Seeking truth and not false dreams, ideals or expectations will be my goal. I will update on the progress of this next week.

"the truth shall make you free."
-John 8:32

Misunderstood

I wonder sometimes about whether my life experiences have had an effect on who I am, or whether who I am has had an effect on what my life experiences are. I have been such a being in need of control and order in my life. I feel sometimes that this has held me back from experiencing many great things and I've missed so many opportunities because of this.


My sister is having a pretty major surgery tomorrow. I am worried about her, but I am also reflecting on what my sister means to me. I have had a difficult relationship with her throughout my life, and a lot of it has to do with our age difference, but also our different ways of life and thinking. My immediate family has never had a strong spiritual life, and I don't even know if they are believers. I've tried to have the "talk" with my parents about Jesus, but we've never been the "heart to heart" kind of family. Talking about feelings and thoughts is strongly discouraged, and we just sort of float through life, never really dealing with heavy issues. I am the type of person who likes to talk about and analyze feelings, and the funny thing is I feel like I can't be myself around my own family. It's so weird, and I don't think they know me at all right now. I wonder if they care to.


I really had my first heart to heart talk with my sister when I found out about her surgery three weeks ago. I think it's the first time we talked to each other like people, rather than sisters. I realized that I really love my sister and, although we may not see eye to eye on most major life issues, God has placed her in my life and I must embrace that fact rather than reject it.
To be misunderstood I think is the worst feeling that I could feel. I think it happens a lot though. Ever since I was a child, I've been misunderstood. Either people will misunderstand my words, actions, attitude or just plain energy for something opposite of my intentions. Is it others or is it me?


Tonight as I write this blog, I reflect on my role in this world, my influence on others, and my potential to change the course of action by something small. Maybe this heart to heart with my sister will change my family forever. Who knows but God. I love that I can fully put my trust in Him and know that He will take care of the situation. Maybe I need to open my heart more to people, and then I might not be so very misunderstood.



"He who does these things shall never be moved." --Psalm 15:5

One down, one hundred eighty something to go!

Okay, my day is over. After freaking out for the better part of last week, I survived the first day of school! Praise God! It wasn't easy, I tell you. And you know I'm gonna tell ya!
Okay, (why do I keep saying okay lately?) so let's rewind a bit to last week. I was all set to teach pre-k which I'm so comfortable teaching, it's like second nature now. A brand new class, which means brand new everything! Yay! My principal and I met before my trip to Hawaii. I was hopeful (as was she) that our order we wanted to put in would go through before September hit. I walked in last Monday. I say hello to my AP (Assistant Principal). My principal is on the phone. She sees me and rolls her eyes. Uh oh. She gets off the phone, hugs me hello and tells me the bad news. The furniture isn't here yet. Then the worse news. The furniture has not even been ordered yet!!!!! So, armed with Patrick, I set off to my classroom. It's depressing. There's nothing in there! How the heck am I supposed to set up a classroom? There is no classroom!!!! After lots of deep breaths and an encouraging talk from Patrick telling me it'll be okay, things could be worse, and the furniture WILL arrive eventually, we start cleaning all surfaces. Damn, for an empty room, it sure was nasty! Okay. Done. Now what? We stare at each other. The phone rings. It's a school aide calling me. "Hi, Stacey...so I wanted to let you know, hon, that Henry (custodian) will be bringing you some furniture. (yay!) You know, just a hodgepodge of stuff from the basement." What? Oh Lord, I can't wait to see this. I tell Patrick I can't do it anymore. I want to leave. I go help him at his school. We stay there another 2 hours. We go out to eat dinner with my mom and dad, and I whine to them like a baby. Very productive, I know. We go home. I whine more to Patrick like a baby. Pretty much my entire week was filled with whining. I could not have been more depressed, upset, etc. If there's one thing I loathe, it's not being prepared. I can't stand it. People were annoying me (you know, cause I don't like people), and I couldn't imagine how my students would feel welcome in such a craphole (I love my students, I just don't like kids in other public places...there's a difference for teachers).
I keep hope alive Tuesday, as I go help Patrick with his classroom. We decide to stay there for the day so we can get more done rather than going back and forth. It works. Patrick wants to go to my job afterwards (5 p.m.). I don't. We try. I'm more depressed. No furniture has been brought. I want to cry, and tell Patrick, "Let's please leave. I'm tired." We go to Party City and the dollar store, searching for something to brighten up the room. I love my husband. He is so very much the person I admire in life. He never complains. He always stays positive. He never worries. He always tries to find a solution. He always encourages me. He shows me to take joy in the small, so I can appreciate the big even more. Patrick helps me find some stuff to decorate. He tells me it'll be beautiful and fine. I almost believe him.
It's Wednesday. We go in super early. Patrick starts moving like a madman. I continue whining. Nothing's ever going to come together. I watch him and wonder how he can work like that, seeing the big picture through the fog. Time passes. It's coming together...a little. I begin to get happy. Still no furniture, but at least the room looks decorated.
Thursday and Friday the rest of the staff is required to be in. I meet my new para. (assistant) She's someone I don't know well but have heard stories about. I can't worry about that now, cause I have to attend a bunch of meetings that have nothing to do with me. I am tired, but it is nice seeing some people from work. It's not so nice when they come into my room and gasp because it's so empty. The looks of pity on their faces said it all. One of my friends said, "I'll never complain about my classroom again." Thanks. Furniture arrives. Uh, are you kidding me? Five small round tables and 18 adult chairs does not a pre-k classroom make! HODGEPODGE? You're not kidding!
Anyway, fast forward to this weekend. I can't tell you how many times I felt bad and just plain discouraged. On Saturday I suddenly thought about my pastor Taylor Field, and how he always talks about how people just have "stinking thinking" when they get down on themselves, and negative about life and just doubt God. That's what I felt like I was doing. I wanted to pray to God and not be so stinky but it just kept coming back to "why God, why did you have to do this to me? Wasn't I good in my prayers about that hurricane in Hawaii? Didn't Patrick and I connect with you even while I was on vacation? Why are you doing this to me? Why?"
On Sunday I didn't even want to go to church. I felt awful, thinking of everything that needed to be done. Then Taylor preached about prayer. It was insane. How did he know? How does God do that? I listened. Prayer isn't about trying to get God to give you stuff. Everytime you want to focus on the good stuff you want that you don't have, think about all the bad stuff that you don't want and you don't have. Hmmm. That's true. It could be worse. I could have NO experience with pre-k. I could have NO job. I could NEVER get the furniture. I could have a horrible next door neighbor next to my classroom. I began thanking God for what I DID have.
The next day though the awful whiner in me came back. Call it pre-first day jitters. I was nervous, anxious, and lazy at the same time. I couln't break out of it. Patrick was working like a maniac. Homeboy was gettin' it done! I told him how much I admired him, and what a great person he was. Then another thing Taylor said Sunday hit me. When you appreciate someone, don't just always tell the person you appreciate that he or she does this or that, but appreciate who the person is. At that moment, I appreciated who Patrick was. I thought about myself, and whether Patrick would be able to appreciate who I was, while I was whining and acting like a lunatic. I started to pray, but pray to God this time, not just at Him. I shared my heart, my doubts, and my anxiety. Things turned around. I was able to type up an orientation letter for the parents. I started thinking clearly again. I was able to get a good night's rest.
I must say that today went smoothly, all things considered. Hey, it could have been worse....