One person....

It's been a month since my last post. What an insane month it has been. I guess the biggest lesson I've learned is that one person can affect others in profound and unknown ways. My grandmother passed away late last month and I miss her very much. She was a grandma in the true sense. So kind, so loving, and who she was to us grandkids seemed to be who she was in real life. I like knowing that, finding out those things now. Her death has impacted our family greatly, and I just think about what will happen now, with her gone. My mom is really sad, and I feel for her and my dad too who loved her and miss her so much. I must admit I didn't think her death would affect me so much. I remember how precious life is, and that we should treasure all of our moments on earth with our loved ones. I realize my own parents' mortalities, as now my grandma's generation is almost gone. These thoughts have made me shift my attitude a bit. I'm trying not to take things so seriously. I'm not going to get worked up over things I have no control over. At my work, I've resolved to let things go more, and just do my own personal best. I'm going to be happy, even if I don't want to be. I know my grandmother had a rough and painful life, but she never let it show. She always had a smile on her face and she always was the peacemaker. She always gave everything she had to us, and sacrificed so much for the ones she loved. If I can do anything to honor her memory, I can live by her example. I can show her that she made a difference in my life, and I hope to one day do that for someone too.

Patience, my dear.....

Well it's almost done....the renovations finish tomorrow! Praise God for His abundance and mercy and grace. I don't think I could have made it without prayer. It was really a test of faith, getting the whole entire house taken over by these guys. But in the end it was all worth it. Our home is great, a real life representation of Patrick's vision. Notice how I said Patrick's vision. I'm not so good with that stuff, it just kind of gives me a headache. I enjoy it much more now, putting those details together, the "finishing touch" type of thing.
We went to bed bath and beyond yesterday after church. Bad place, bad place. I actually restrained myself but we got a lot of things we needed. Patrick got me a treat of a new set of Calphalon pots and pans...they're lovely! Yeah mainly kitchen stuff, which was really fun! So, we're going to have about a week or so to enjoy the house after we finish cleaning up before we head back to work. The best part of the next couple of weeks will be waking up whenever we want and leaving the house in the middle of the day...together! I have not thought one bit about work this whole summer. I don't feel one ounce of anxiety about going back to work or anything. It's a great feeling, and I am determined not to let anything get me down! Yippee!

Summer? What summer?

Really, what summer? Summer for teachers is a time to rest, to recharge and to relax. For me and Patrick this summer has been stressful and crazy! I have been confined to the four walls of the bedroom, which Patrick says is " our only sanctuary in this house" and I've been taking online post master's degree classes the past two weeks for both me and Patrick so we can get a raise to pay for these renovations! Besides that there are life stresses that are always prevalent and it goes on and on. I am so blessed though. I have a wonderful husband who accepts my nuttiness and I have a great home that looks beautiful now. I think that through all this I have learned to just let some things go. I realize there is so much I can't control, but I can control my attitude. I can be happy, as difficult as that may seem, I can try to remember my blessings and be thankful for everything I have. So I didn't spend the summer travelling as I would have liked, or spending it on my rump in front of the tv as I would have liked, but I still have this home, this great home, and a great husband who is my best friend in the world, who always encourages me and supports me through everything. This has been a summer of serious introspection and these same things keep going through my head and heart. I guess God's trying to get these basic messages through to me. So as I already think about going back to work in a couple of weeks and start getting ready for that, I'm thankful. I'm grateful. And I'm humbled.

Will it ever be done?

I must admit that this is a question I had for many days these past few weeks. I have had to practice my patience A LOT. Even as I speak, I am sitting on my deck as a man is using a circular saw to cut wood maybe 3 feet from me. It's quite loud and dust is flying in my eyes. I've just been trying to not let it get to me, all this action going on, and not feeling like I have a home really. I think that I've been holding up pretty well all things considering, and now, four weeks later, I can see that end coming soon.
God has been testing my faith a whole bunch in various situations that I won't go into here. But just the fact that I can strengthen that faith through these experiences is a wonderful thing. I am counting my blessings, even though the "human" thing to do is harp on what I lack. So many verses have just been hitting me lately in a sporadic way. I'll just be sitting there and a verse will pop into my mind, and I am just amazed at how perfect God's word is.
I'm glad that the kitchen is coming together. I'm excited to cook again after this hiatus in a new kitchen! I'm thankful that I am blessed enough to have all this. Wow. I hope I use these blessings well.

Home is where the heart is...

I am beginning to understand this phrase more and more with this renovation. Patrick and I have been pretty much confined to our bedroom for living, and I kind of feel displaced with the rest of the house. Although I see everything coming together, I just end up hiding in the bedroom most of the day while the workers are here. It is so exciting but also nerve racking at the same time. I think I'll be excited when it's all over and goes off without a hitch. I pray that neighbors aren't upset by all the banging and stuff, but most seem pretty supportive. I keep hearing stories of neighbors getting complaints, and building inspectors coming to their houses and stuff. This makes me nervous.
Satan is trying to steal my joy. He wants me to worry and not enjoy this process. He wants me not to thank God for this blessing and smooth sailing so far. He wants me to try to take matters into my own hands and not trust God. But Satan is going to lose. I have God on my side. I know that God is taking care of us, and He's made this all possible. Why wouldn't he honor our faithfulness? Satan, you're fighting a losing battle. I have the love of Jesus in my heart, and you can try all you want, but I'm not going to give into you! Even if things don't turn out exactly as I want them to, I'm going to keep on loving the Lord and I'm going to trust Him , knowing He knows what's best for me. How wonderful is that? I don't care what happens, because I am not afraid. Jesus suffered so much, and any pain I've had in my life is nothing compared to that. How silly we humans are, don't you think?
My home is wonderful, and it will look great, but it's not as wonderful as the love I have in my heart because of God. Now that's a place to call home!

Never a dull moment

Wow, it's been a while. I guess I've been too busy living my life to document it. It's been an eventful rollercoaster the past few months, with triumphs, and tragedies. I guess the thing I'm learning most is that God's in even the most small details. God's mercy and love is endless. Jesus is the only way to true happiness, strength and healing.
I'm glad the school year is over. I certainly was tested by God this year, with co-workers and with hardships and general stress. I wouldn't have chosen this as a way to make me stronger, but I guess God knew I could handle it, and He was always there whenever I felt like giving up.
We are working on our home this summer. It's been five years since we bought it, and we decided it was better to fix it up rather than move somewhere else. Our home is small but quaint and we have grown to love it. Dream home? No way. But it's what God gave us, so we're thankful.
Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Patrick and I will be celebrating 7 years of marriage. I find it strange that it's been so long. I still remember our wedding day like it was yesterday. I'm so thankful that Patrick is healthy, although I still worry about him. Once again, God's been in it all, making us a stronger couple, and stretching us farther than we ever thought we could go. But through it all, all the laughter and tears, all those highs and lows, we always remember that we're in it together.
There are many other things, things that are too much to write here. Those who know me, know about those things, and have prayed for me lots in the past couple of months. I appreciate those prayers. They continue to impact me, bringing me hope in times of despair and keeping me going on that path that God wants me on, even though I really don't want to be there.
God is everywhere. He's in the huge stuff, in the details, even in those dark, secret places where you think things are hidden. I love that I can count on my Savior to always be there, even when I think I can do it on my own.

I don't get it, God, but I trust You.....

Been a while, but been quite eventful nonetheless.

Looking forward right now, and not back, and I have to say it's pretty liberating. I am coming out of hiding behind my own shadow and I'm putting myself in a most uncomfortable position. But the funny thing is, I'm feeling most comfortable with being me, and owning those flaws and accepting those "quirks" as God made me. I'm sure this post will seem mysterious and strange to some but I think I'm starting to learn that if I am to get right with the world, and be a better person, I need to feel God's love first. I know we all say it, but do we do it? Do we really put God in the middle of everything? Our friendships, our homes, our jobs, our stuff, our decisions, ourselves? It has pretty much changed me and shaken me to the point where I don't really know how God could love me the way I was living before. I've learned that through my trials this year at work, I have to trust God will pull me through somehow, and not always the way I expected it to be. I realize that I trust some of my friends and family more than I trust God. I've come to know that by "remembering" the past, I became the past. I was reliving the past, and in that way I could never claim the present and could never grow towards the future. Right now there is a peace that I have, which is from a place of pure joy, pure love, and just pure ok-ness and this gives me hope. Hope that I can change, grow, learn, through God's word and His love for me. I guess that's what God was trying to tell me through that song, "East to West" by Casting Crowns.....Ah ha!

But still, even still .....I will forever be saying...."I don't get it, God, but I trust You..."